It was Spring quarter a couple years back and we were packed into Madison’s on some random weekday. There was nothing particularly special about this day, though I remember my girl crush was looking quite resplendent (there was a pinkish hue). Of course, since vaginas attract bears I decided for my own safety not to talk to her and instead went to hang with the boys.

Just after midnight we left the bar. We had drunk alcohol, which gave us the right to be as annoying as we wanted (it’s in the Constitution). Madison’s pint glasses were hurled at buildings. Urine was deposited in Daily Bruin stands, leading to a spirited game of “run away from my friend (let’s call him D) who’s holding newspaper covered with pee.” Finally we settled down and smoked some Hookah to relax. We discussed lost loves, personal triumphs, and who got the least amount of D’s urine on their face. Times were good.

Following this, we headed back towards the apartments, the night seemingly coming to a close. But fate was smiling down on us. As we strolled along Midvale Avenue, we happened upon perhaps the most beautiful sight four drunk young men can ever experience. I know I’ll never forget it. She had been abandoned, yet she looked so beautiful there in the moonlight; so white, so soft, so…comfortable. Why would anyone throw out a perfectly fine sofa? As we sat there that night on the sofa at the edge of the curb, we all pondered how we could give her a new home. A gust of wind caused the leaves in the tree above us to rustle, and we looked up. Our eyes widened. The trunk and branches of the tree were thick and could definitely carry a heavy load. It was not so tall as to be impossible to push up a large object. We stared at each other, and without saying a word knew what we had to do: watch Japanese tentacle porn. Unfortunately there was no time to indulge D’s twisted Asian fantasies, as we had to put a couch up a tree.

I don’t remember exactly how we got the couch up the tree that night. I’m a little surprised that none of were crushed under the weight of our hopes and dreams and couches. Nonetheless, we eventually found ourselves gazing at our once abandoned sofa in her new home. Our work was done, but our night was not over.

It was 4am and we had already been through a lot. Now (mostly) sobered up, we hopped in D’s car and drove towards the Santa Monica pier. We parked and headed towards the beach. In the distance, a brown-speckled cockswallow called out, looking for a mate. Unfortunately, she wanted 20 dollars and all we had was 10. So the four of us headed for the water, stripping down to our boxers and going for an early-morning ocean swim. Upon returning to the shore, we discovered that our new-found shrinkage allowed us to run faster than we ever had before. We thus began a series of races up and down the beach.

As our shrinkage sadly began to wear off, we decided it was time to head home. Along the way we passed by the tree to see our sofa one last time. As we gazed upon our work, we knew that from that point onward there would be nothing beyond our reach, nothing we could not accomplish. Putting a sofa in a tree might by itself be silly, but add a matching ottoman and recliner and you have yourself a pretty cozy living room. It was an empowering night, and one that I’ll always remember…HOLYHANGOVER