I spent my Friday attending my buddy’s bday party.  I smoke a little and since I’m a pussy, I forget my own name.  After watching a cat not land on it’s feet, I embark for the bar after stopping at an acquaintance’s apt for some pre-drinks.  I have some convo’s I barely remember and regretfully notice it’s not yet 11pm.

We arrive at the bar/club/devilhouse to little or no fanfare.  When we get in, we DO have a table waiting, and I decide not to drink for awhile, or at least until my vagina can lube itself again.

This plan is destroyed when my Blackberry blows up (Yeah, I have a Blackberry.  And people call it.  I’m awesome) and this chick I want to bang says she’s showing up.  Nice.

So I get her in the door and pretty much forget it’s my buddy’s bday.  We head straight for the bar, and I offer to buy her a drink on my tab.  She orders 3 drinks and 2 shots for her and her friends.  I stand there in awe, like the brokedick pussy I am, and hand them to her.  She gives me $13 and says thanks.  I don’t know if she thought that was enough money, but that’s not enough money for 3 people to go to McDonald’s.  Whatever, I’m getting laid for sure.

I head back for the table with the lady.  Another friend shows up and buys a round of shots for the bday.  Now, I KNOW I don’t need this, but I kill it anyway because I’m the man in my own mind.  It hits the head and by the time I get back someone at our table has a bottle and Red Bulls.

Now, here’s where it gets a bit fuzzy.  I know I made a few vodka Red Bulls from the alcohol that wasn’t mine (my bad!), and I know from my bar tab that I ordered many more drinks, but everything after this is alleged and hearsay.

Later (re: 2 blackout hours or so), due to my wet confidence, I grab the girl and tell her she’s going to my place.  Her friends drive us there… except I can’t find it.  My. Own.  House.  So I ask them to drop us in the street after lying to them about where I live and drag the poor little lady out of the vehicle with me.  I fall down on the pavement.  Sexy.

After walking a few blocks in the wrong direction, I right my course and find my apartment.  I give the girl some pj’s and stand in my doorway wearing underwear that’s too small for my chubby frame.  I stare at her like I don’t know what to do.  Double sexy.

After stomping around my apartment for awhile and trying unsuccessfully to open a Sam Adams bottle with both my teeth and a hammer, I stumble back into my room for the imminent fornication.

Upon arriving I’m informed that the only thing getting wet that night will be my fingers.  Riiiight.  So, I decide to fool her by using reverse psychology and pretending I don’t want to have sex anymore.  This works.  Or so I think.

She decides I do want the sex despite my pleas and begs me for it.  Meanwhile she gets me primed like a GD lawnmower for insertion before laughing, rolling over and saying, “Told you.”  Then she went to sleep and I avoided jail by somehow not raping her.

I woke up confused at 8am with a boner that wanted to explode and I was still drunk enough to be unhappy with my bush.  I got up and shaved it, but still messed up enough to nick my dick a few times.  Awesome.

Now bald and bleeding, I spend the next 4-5 hours touching her with it, hoping she will wake up and want to kiss it.  When this finally happens, her roommate calls and says she’s on her way to pick her up.  We stop fooling around, I die a little inside, and count the moments until she leaves so I can jack off and commit suicide…HOLYHANGOVER